


Yukari Streams Command and Conquer Rants

by SeaofFallingStars



Category: Girls und Panzer
Genre: Post Season 1, Post-Canon, Yukari streams games, all games will be covered, except C&C4, there were tank super sentai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29758860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaofFallingStars/pseuds/SeaofFallingStars
Summary: A "request" by someone (the way Japan describes it) where Yukari does twitch streams ranting about fictional tanks of the Command and Conquer universe. Much nonsense abounds.
Kudos: 6





	Yukari Streams Command and Conquer Rants

When she had finally wrangled enough free time after the tournament, Yukari prepared to resume her semi-hidden source of modeling funds. She wasn’t sure how she made so much, or why people enjoyed it but it let her afford her passions. Sitting at her computer, the walls behind her were full of models, memorabilia, and anything military-related she could get her hands on.

Including a rather extensive wargaming collection. She hoped to one day convince someone to play with her but the history club had passed. At least its smaller models meant she could leave behind presents during her infiltration missions.

For now, she had to greet her viewers.

“Hello all! Tankiyama here with a new series! I’ve been busy with an actual sensha-do team, so now I get to operate a tank! But I need permission before I can bring in my crew-and-teammates. Unless the President crashes the stream again. So many potatoes…”

[Sodokobot]: Remember, keep it civil and don’t harass Tankiyama! Requests to floof hair are allowed. Keep those morals high!

[CharginSports]: Will we get to see the Chi-Ha in this video?

[SpiesinFries]: I would like to hear about how their tanks perform above specs

[Sodokobot]: SpiesinFries no attempts to gather intel. This is a fun stream.

[SpiesinFries]: I take orders from a robot now?

[AnkouBot]: User SpiesinFries has been sent to the junkyard for 20 minutes for challenging modbots.

[Potatoorai]: Did you run out, Akiyama?

“No! Also, was that Alisa? I’m not going to bring up our tanks so people can plan for it. This is better! I finally got them all working, so we’ll be covering all the Tanks and AFVs Command and Conquer have! It will be many streams but well, I love this series!”

Throwing her hands out, Yukari started flailing as her balance led to the chair almost falling over.

“Um, Yukari… you shouldn’t be using a rolling chair for this. You could fall and get hurt.”  
“Thank you miss Nishizumi! Right… um, well, I guess some of my crewmates are helping, hehe… This is Miho Nishizumi, my Commander and my friend Saori agreed to cook some food for us during the stream! Um… Hana had to do something with her mother and a flower meet while Mako chose to use the day off to nap. Maybe we can get her in the background for a stream.”

[Potatoorai]: Reizei’s napping? I can arrange her in the background. I’ll get the SMC on it! I’m certain you can do me a favor, right?

“Um, Yukari what does Anzu want with you?”

[Potatoorai]: Oh, hi Miho! Just to promote the Morals Plushie; those are bringing us so much money that we might actually be able to purchase a new tank.

“Is this the one that rants or just the one to cuddle?”

[Potatoorai]: Both.

[IronTide]: President Kadotani, I would like to have words over using my daughter to promote merchandise without my knowledge.

[Potatoorai]: Sure, I’ll arrange a meeting. I was asking Akiyama, not Miho. But I’m certain we can work something out!

[CharginSports]: Um, is anyone else famous going to be in here?

[TheRealPastaDuce]: Hey! Just because most of us are high school girls doesn’t mean we’re not famous!]

[IronTide]: When did you make it past round 2, again?

[TheRealPastaDuce]: HEY! We’ve never beaten Kuromorimine but we will next year! Or whenever the tournament puts us against you.

[IronTide]: We’ll see. At the very least my students will enjoy the post-match feast.

[TheRealPastaDuce]: Is there anyone who doesn’t?

Yukari slumped, before glancing at something off camera. She went back to the screen and began to mess with something on her computer. Her camera feed shifted to a corner and an old game began to boot up.

[MountGulag]: We’re watching 90s TV? What is this?

[GulagCommander]: Katyusha, it is probably the game’s introduction video.

[MountGulag]: I KNEW THAT! But… if it’s old how will we know what the tanks are?

“They have portraits, Katyusha. Say hi to Nina and the others for me! They make good tea.”

[DreadedTea]: Oh, you had russian tea and didn’t invite us?

“It might’ve been in the middle of a match…”  
“Yukari, where did you find these?”  
“Not now, please. I need to load… this.”

As the game’s menus were navigated, Miho wandered back holding some kind of toy robot with several tank parts on it.

“My mother said that I had to choose between these or the year’s exclusive Bokos. How did your parents allow you to get them?”

[IronTide]: Miho, that year Kuromine had two Tigers damaged beyond repair. What are their aftermarket prices?

“This was supposed to be about tanks but… Nishizumi, I can do it later. Let’s show people those while I look it up for your mom.  
“But… you never told me that we lost two Tigers. How did that happen?”  
“I think I remember reading about it. Something about Jakotsa using ‘lend-leased’ SU-122s to destroy the transmissions by accident. I wonder if they still have records of that there.”

[WindsofChange]: Maybe, but previous leaders were not known for letting recovery teams have an easy time getting to enemy tanks.

[IronTide]: I remember. Miho, I’ll forward you the reports on our end. Now then, which of the two was it? I did not pay much attention after negotiating the use of our school ship and the public areas of the family grounds for the show.

“Wait your house was in it? Oh we’ll have to arrange a watch party with the Rabbits so we can see what scenes it’s in!”

[IronTide]: You are… Miho where did you find her?

“I found Miss Miho! I just… had to be approached to talk to her. No one was interested in being friends with me. Anyway, miss Nishizumi, here’s the guide. I’m going to get back to the point of the stream now.”

[IronTide]: Thank you. I will check the contracts and see if I was owed such… merchandise.

With a few more clicks and taps of her keyboard, Yukari glanced over to Miho before returning to the game.

“Right, so should we start with the Global Defense Initiative or the Brotherhood of Nod?”

[IronTide]: Since my Peer and Equal is not here, you will do the Brotherhood. She themed her team after the United Nations, so I would like to see the other side.

“Alright!”

[BigCountry]: Wow! So many big names here. Tankiyama, um… Oddball, I would like to apologize for Alisa’s nonsense. She is banned from using the internet until I deem her ready.

“Ooookay then. Well, the Brotherhood has um… one LAV, three tanks, one SPG, one Missile Launcher and one attack helicopter alongside a transport. I guess I’ll start with the LAV.”

Miho wandered into view of the camera, her orange hair look less refined than any pictures of her indicated. She was holding an animalistic tank in her hands, to Yukari’s joy.

“Oh, you have Elfankanone. I need to focus, so can you put it back so I can explain later?”  
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt!”

As she put the tank back, Yukari turned to the screen and seemed to be looking at some kind of document.

“Right, the Recon Buggy, typically paired with their Recon Bikes, they are the second-lightest vehicle after the motorbike. But unlike the bike, they’re just big enough to qualify here. Based on the M34 Light Patrol Vehicle, they’re not very well-armored but have a M60 for offensive purposes. Not good unless you spam them, so… not even worth owning a replica unless you’re like Leopon and want to just drive somewhere fun.”

Miho returned to Yukari’s side, no longer holding a fictional vehicle but idly fiddling with a more modern tank. She glanced at the stream before squeaking in surprise.

“Yukari, why would you field a company of light recon vehicles? Isn’t that more likely to be division command’s handouts as needed?”  
“It’s a game, this is normal. Games don’t always match the real world of tactics.”

Switching images, a pair of real tanks appeared in the bottom corners.

“This one’s tricky. The NOD Light Tank was meant to be a modified Bradley, but it looks more like a T-55, which isn’t really a light tank. Its in-game role is similar to the Buggy’s role, but better suited for anti-building operations and light to medium anti-vehicle warfare. It’s not good against heavy armor, or artillery, but well, it’s a light tank. Its job is to work around enemy armor and raise hell behind the lines.”

Yukari took a deep breath before looking around at her collection, and Miho.

“The next two, well they’re specialist tanks. One is a very tick like assault vehicle; the ‘Devil’s Tongue’ flame tank. Excelling at anti-infantry and anti-structure assault, it kind of falls flat against enemy vehicles. I don’t understand that because engine fires and overheating the crew are very real ways of disabling tanks. But that knowledge makes me glad that the Sensha-Do federation forbids any form of flamethrowing tank for the matches. No crocodiles, Flammpanzers, OTs and KV-8s… I wouldn’t mind seeing a real KV-8 but it would never be legal. We’d be better off finding a KV-85 or KV-1S if we wanted such a heavy tank.”

[GulagCommander]: While she is away, I would recommend tracking down an IS-1. I don’t think any of your classmates outside that volleyball club are strong enough to lift heavy shells.

[Mount Gulag]: NONNA! Don’t give enemy teams advice! Besides, they could never afford such a tank. They keep that pre-war bucket of rivets after all!

[IronTide]: Akiyama, what is the second vehicle? This… Devil’s Tongue is poorly designed.

“Sure! The next vehicle, though it strains the title of “tank” more than the Devil’s Tongue did, is some kind of sci-fi stealth tank with a cloaking field. Referred to in-universe as Ezekiel’s Wheel, it is the embodiment of Nod’s hit and run tactics. It makes itself invisible to sensors, the naked eye, and any form of identification outside aural spotting. No matter how well cloaked it is, you can’t muffle a tank’s engine and have it work. Armed with missile launchers, it’s kind of a universal attack vehicle. In typical fashion for this series, it is worthless against infantry due to firing shaped-charge rounds, not general explosives. But it’s fun to see in action.”

She smiled impishly, before going back to a calm face.

“It’s not as fun to defend against.”

Both specialist vehicles fell from the screen as three more took their place on the bottom. She was still playing the game, but didn’t seem as concerned with crushing her opponent. Being the campaign, there was no need.

“So, the support vehicles are a standard APC, not worth mentioning beyond its existence, and two different artillery pieces. The first is a standard howitzer, loosely based on the M110 SPG. I mean seriously loosely based. It is well, a howitzer on tracks. Great for ranged fire, but useless at close support. No “shotgunning” here. When I get to Renegade, we’ll see other versions of these vehicles. I don’t remember if the final vehicle is in there. Or at least, if it’s drivable.”

Sighing in contentment, Yukari highlighted the final picture.

“The good old Surface to Surface Missile Launcher. While a scary vehicle in terms of original warheads, this variant of the MRLS platform, that’s Mobile Rocket Launch System if you don’t know your military terms or left after World War II due to Sensha-Do, is equipped with only two rockets. They are also some of the largest in the series, being napalm or high explosive Honest John rockets. The game thankfully does not have the actual primary payload equipped for these. It would violate several laws if they were.”

[IronTide]: Um, yes. I do not think I would enjoy playing this faction with their vehicle selection. Though I dislike giving credit to my rival, her faction by default would be better equipped for the Nishizumi style.

“Wait, what? I’m going to need a short break before going over the smaller vehicle selection of the Global Defense Initiative. I know I skipped the helicopter! It’s not land-based!”

[Bang]

“Miho, your mother was watching the entire stream. What do I do!?”  
“I don’t know. Talk to Anzu? She might know what to do. I can’t believe I just played with your toys in front of my mom!”

Both young women were frazzled and taking a moment to calm themselves. They were out of Yukari’s room, sitting with their friend and sometimes private chef, Saori Takanabe. She had made them a simple lunch, so it hadn’t taken long for them to devour it.

“Well, you two could act like you’re in an interview. It would help maintain composure.”

Miho seemed to think it over while Yukari had a different idea.

“Well, there are so many to cover… Maybe I should include the other schools! Thank you, Saori!”  
“Um, you’re welcome?”

[Bang]

“I’m back. Sorry, Miss Nishizumi. It’s an honor to have you on my stream.”

[IronTide]: It has been informative, so I will continue to watch. I might be willing to guest star, as well.

“Well, while Miho and Saori chat, let’s cover the smaller selection of GDI vehicles. I swear later games will be much larger, so there will be more to talk about.”

She paused, seeing the chat go wild as people asked what had happened. It was nice to see so many concerned for Miho’s wellbeing.

“I need to keep going. So, GDI’s LAV is the High-Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, or the Humvee. It’s… it’s a Humvee. You all should know what that means; solid bed to mount weapons, if the default config it’s good to carry some troops and fight off light infantry. It really is a ‘heroic’ version of the LPV Nod uses. Not that interesting outside the allure of the humvee. I’m glad Saunders doesn’t use them; their vehicles look better.”

[SpiesinFries]: How do you know we don’t?

[LendedGum]: You aren’t supposed to be here.

[BigCountry]: Thank you! Next time you visit I’ll take you for a ride~ <3

[IronTide]: Presumably just an offroad excursion on the tank training grounds.

“Um… thanks… Now, the GDI Medium tank is another real vehicle, definitively so. It’s the M1 Abrams, though presumably it encompasses all known MBTs of the nations participating. While the gun is not the 12cm smoothbore of the Abrams, I think having to condense so many tanks into a single generic allows for that discrepancy. Once you get into the high-tech stuff it turns sci-fi anyways. I doubt an Abrams could survive a direct laser assault.”

[IronTide]: Lasers? I don’t think any tank could survive sustained laser fire. It would melt the hull or turret.

[MountGulag]: Of course, Soviet tanks would survive!

[AnkouBot]: MountGulag has been sent to the Junkyard for twenty minutes to rethink her words.

“R-right. Nonna, tell Katyusha pride won’t beat weapons, please.”

[GulagCommander]: I understand. She is sulking, it’s adorable.

[TheRealPastaDuce]: Are there any italian tanks?

“No, sorry. But I think the games visit Italy a few times? Anyway, we’re on the last GDI tank, and the only tank to have a representative in every game even if one of them is a cheat! The one, the only, the Mammoth Tank! By far the most ridiculous thing here, this cousin to the Maus in sheer bulk is armed with twin 12cm cannons and twin ‘Mammoth Tusk’ rocket pods. A slow powerhouse, it’s got a dedicated repair team as well as the presumably six-man crew to commit to prolonged assaults against enemy fortresses. In-game, the repair team is represented by self-healing to a point. They can’t fix everything, so of course it would not be able to fully repair without special facilities. I’ll go into more detail on the next game, but this would be the second generation Mammoth, or at least an update of the mothballed originals. Despite how much I love tanks, I do not want to face one of these or even operate one. Loading 75s is one thing, but loading two-stage 120? I’ll leave that to Pravda and their extreme tanks as well as Kuromine’s few 128s.”

[IronTide]: Knowing your strength is good, because too many fail trying to load heavy rounds thinking it is as easy as films portray it.

[GulagCommander]: I look forward to telling Nina your praises.

“Now, GDI still uses the same APC as Nod, and I guess I should mention the Tiberium Harvesters. They’re essentially rebuilt farming vehicles. But the last GDI land-based vehicle is well-known. It’s the Mobile Rocket Launch System, known as the MRLS and sidegrade to howitzers in assaults. Useful for massed infantry, vehicles, and buildings but also limited because its design prevents close-fire attacks. I think that’s all of them! I’ll double-check but next should be the Red Alert Series, the first game and the expansions. It’s going to feature more in terms of weird vehicles. Just think 1950s superscience and you won’t go wrong. I need to contact Pravda over which Red Alert they want to guest star in. I doubt the first one will be their choice but I have to ask. This is Tankiyama, signing out!”

[Bang]

Inside Kuromorimine’s halls, Shiho stood over the administrative staff as they went through their logs. It had been proven that part of the agreements was a full set of all merchandise and toys. She would deliver them, and then have works with “Tankiyama” over her intentions for Miho...


End file.
